On the Inside
by Miss Murderess
Summary: Redo of Inside of a Damaged Mind. Cloud struggles with his self-doubt and inability to protect the ones he loves. In the end he takes it too far, in completely the wrong direction. How will he atone for the greatest sin? With his life. Cloti. Pre AC


_**This is the redo of my old story Inside of a Damaged Mind. Please let me know what you think and please be patient with updates I am hoping to update regularly but there are no promises.**_

_**Also this is rated M for a reason. **_

_**I own nothing.**_

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_All my life I've struggled for strength, the power to protect those important to me and to show everyone else that I'm not the same pathetic kid from Nibelheim anymore. It began with a simple promise to protect the woman I loved if she ever faced danger, and since that promise so many years ago I've found myself falling. To everyone else I'm some hero, the man who saved the planet and defeated Sephiroth but even after everything that's happened there are several things I've become certain of. _

_I am in fact still the same pathetic boy with dreams of grandeur from a small hick town all but forgotten by the rest of the world. After making that promise I have yet to truly keep it, the one time I came close to helping her I ended up leaving her bleeding atop a god forsaken mountain while our hometown burned to the ground and then I disappeared for five years. Since that day I've constantly been the one protected, first by Zack who gave everything he had to make sure I was safe and out of Hojo's reach. He died fighting for me while I just sat back a watched because of my weakness. When I finally broke from weakness's hold I dragged myself to the city not even knowing what to hope for. When I collapsed at the train station it brought tears to my eyes the moment I saw Tifa running towards me. She cared for me, gave me a job and a place to live. She watched over me constantly always picking me up when I fell and stood by me helping piece me back together when I couldn't even find myself. She's still protecting me, even now as I sit on the floor of her home watching her sleep. She is the one protecting me. _

_The rest of AVALANCH was also there, they're the ones that made defeating Sephiroth possible and Aeris - she like Zack gave up everything to protect me. She died because I was too weak to kill Sephiroth when I had the chance and she protected me when he came looking for blood. My life is owed to many people each of whom I cannot repay and will never be able to protect in return. When I started getting sick I knew, the best thing I could do for them was to hide it. I didn't need to give them something more to protect me from; I can't afford any more debt. I can't bear to weigh down Tifa any more especially. After everything she's done and everything she's doing now she doesn't need to take care of a grown man too useless to see to his living another day. _

_It's been just over a year since everything calmed down, the world left wounded, its people in despair but things were actually looking up. Shin-Ra could no longer destroy the planet, Sephiroth is dead and people could actually start building real lives. So why did the sadness and pain hurt more than ever?_

_---_

"What`s wrong with me" He whispered quietly while shaking himself out of thought and flinching at the pain throbbing through his arm, "oh yeah" he snorted in disgust.

_Geostigma, huh. It figures after everything that's happened I can't just live in even a semblance of peace. They say it's caused by contact with the lifestream but I know they're wrong. If that was the case I would have contracted it long ago._

He sighed once again pulling himself out of thought as he sat on the cold floor. Looking up into the darkness of the room he noticed Tifa tossing in her sleep but not making a sound. His eyes moved sadly to the window above him. The night sky solemn and bright stars shined sadly only serving to draw another sigh from the young man. He knew Tifa loved him and he wished more than anything that he could return that love. She had endured so much with him that now he just wanted to make her happy, he couldn't let her see what he was becoming.

_I can't ever thank you enough, so I hope you'll understand why I can't tell you. I can't hurt you any more, I already can't return your love so my only choice is to protect you. I will protect you no matter what, even from myself._

The stars in the night sky resonated sadly, their solemn light cast down upon the earth masking everything in sight. He couldn't help being brought back to the night he spent with Tifa looking up at the stars beneath the Highwind. He remembered her shivering in his arms and laughed in spite at himself knowing that he couldn't even protect her from the cold that night. He shook his head and regained himself from memories best left in the past and rubbed his arm carefully as it throbbed relentlessly.

With the pain growing and tiredness seeping in he stumbled to his feet and headed for the bed the floor creaking lowly with each step. He stood beside the bed pulling the blanket back and choked back a pained cry when all too soon the pain that started in his arm erupted throughout the rest of his body forcing him quickly into bed. He squeezed his eyes shut and begged himself not to make a sound, for the pain the pass and for Tifa to remain in slumber. He knew what was coming and he couldn't risk Tifa seeing him in this state.

Images played before his eyes, images of the past, blood, and destruction. He felt his lips moving, the force of his body from trying to scream, the air escaping his body and the tears rolling down his skin. He rolled to his side and gripped his shoulders, fingers digging into soft fabric and flesh as the pain ran fiercely through his body. His ears rang a high pitch wailing noise, the sounds and images tearing at his sanity and resting upon the gaze of mad cat like eyes, their green power piercing through him.

"Hello Cloud…" spoke a smooth voice he knew all too well and then there was nothing. Silence until he heard himself scream.

All the pain suddenly stopped, the images driven away and his own panic and screaming subsiding but tears still running rampant. A warm hand rested on his head, he thought for a moment, his mind spinning and delirious but felt no reason to fear the touch. He release his shoulders and reached a hesitant hand to meet the one on his head.

"…Aeris?" he called desperately hoping she was finally here to take him away from all the pain and sadness.

"No Cloud," he felt the hand twitch slightly, "It's me, Tifa." The pain in her voice only brought him more tears and regret. He had been found out, the one thing he tried so desperately to hide he failed so easily.

"It's okay, the nightmares over…"

Cloud let himself breathe, she thought it was a nightmare and his secret was safe for another day. With the pain in his body down to an ache fatigue came rushing back and he began to slip.

"Thank you, Tifa." He mumbled allowing darkness to settle in and in the back of his mind he knew his debt became deeper, but unconsciousness demanded his attention and the debt would never go away. He knew today marked the day that he was no longer strong enough. He could no longer be of use to even himself, because he could no longer control himself and like so many times before when he'd lost to his mind he let himself drift and succumb to whatever would take him.

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_**That's it for chapter one. Let me know what you think.**_


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